Mass Effect: Abridged
by Midnight Hawk
Summary: Emmanuelle Sheperd is pissed because someone stole her fourth wall. Witness her take out her anger on the 'verse as she snarks her way through Mass Effect.
1. Eden Prime

**Aboard the Normandy, somewhere in a generic spiral arm galaxy.**

Commander Shepherd: Hi, I am a badass space marine with a tragic past. My entire family was murdered by a cliché and it's haunted me ever since. I'm also the main character, pity anyone who meets me.

Joker: Hi, I am an excellent pilot with a quirky sense of humour who has worked with Joss Whedon in the past.

Shepherd: This sounds oddly familiar...

Joker: Also, my bones are made of green jello.

Shepherd: So what? I was born without a heart. *Caresses pistol lovingly*

Nihlus: Hello, I am a kind of interesting to look at alien. Check out my corset piercing: I am EXTREME!

Shepherd: You look visually appealing and seem to be some kind of mentor character. You're going to die before we get out of the tutorial, aren't you?

Nihlus: Of course, this is a Bioware game. It was either die or be revealed to be the Real Big Bad In The End. Or to be your brother. Or all three.

Shepherd: Care for Space Sex, Nihlus? It might be your last chance.

Nihlus: I'm tempted, but my pelvis is fragile and made from green jello.

Joker: I hate that freaky guy. Those weird silly aliens are nothing like us human people. *plays with dinosaur toy*

Kaiden: Hi, I am a potential love interest. *head jiggle*

Shepherd: So what do you do other than trigger LoveTalks after every main objective?

Kaiden: I'm a biotic: I use mental kungu fu to shoot blue goo at red triangles.

Shepherd: That sounds dangerous, any side effects to this, Lieutenant?

Kaiden: Well lots of them are mentally unstable, prone to psychotic episodes and generally bugfuck insane.

Shepherd: ...

Kaiden: But I just get migraines sometimes, and they go away if I lie down.

Shepherd: That's a relief, for a second I was worried you might have some kind of character conflict and story arc. I want no back story or plot tension on my ship. Dismissed.

Kaiden: *takes painkillers*

Captain Anderson: This is my ship, Commander! Mine, mine!

Shepherd: Oh please, how long do you think that's going to last? It's shiny and superfast and I'm a main character.

Anderson: *sulk* Here's a mission, bitch. We weren't going into classified space to deliver intergalactic popcorn like we told you. We want to test you to see if you're good enough to join the Aliens' Super Alpha Frat House.

Shepherd: Do I get a light sabre this time?

Anderson: No, just a license to behave like a psychotic brat without legal, moral or financial consequences.

Shepherd: Oh a Mary-Sue license? I'll try to impress the Alien Alpha Council by killing everything I see and being as obnoxious as possible.

Anderson: I could have been a contender...

**One shiny cut scene/loading screen later, the crew touches down on Eden Prime**

Kaiden: We can't stop here, this is Cylon Geth country!

Generic Squad Member: Oh shit, I wore my red shirt!

Kaiden: Noooooo, Generic Squad Memberrrr!

Shepherd: There's no time to bury generics: This! Is! WAR!

Bioware: *gives evil points*

Shepherd: Who are you to judge me?

Ashley: Please please help me, I have form-fitting armour and bee-stung lips!

Kaiden: I'm picking up a potential love interest on the scanner.

Ashley: But I don't like girls! Even though I look slightly like Angelina Jolie! Also, aliens smell!

Shepherd & Ashley: *headbutt*

Kaiden: *takes painkillers*

Nihlis: Oh hello Saren, didn't expect to see you here.

Saren: I just came to ask you for Space Sex. Again.

Nihlis: I told you I wanted to see other people. Less crazy stalkery ones.

Saren: *shoots Nihlis in the crotch*

Ashley: Oh dead alien, ew! It's oozing green jello from its crotch!

Kaiden: Damn it! Who could have predicted that sending a mentor character alone into a war zone filled with psycho robots and undead androids could have gone so wrong?

Shepherd: It's out of our hands, soldier. He died like the way he was written: Quick and messily.

Ashley: Is that a... corset piercing? _Freak_!

**Shepherd saves the planet from total destruction even though there were about three people left alive and most of them were weapon smugglers or had "accidentally" been kicked in the head by a badass marine commander and relieved of their belongings.**

Kaiden: Look a mysterious glowing thingie that I know nothing about! *poke*

Shepherd: Hey! Don't do that! I'm the main character, it's my job to poke dangerous plot devices and receive life-changing visions! *shove*

Ashley: He can't help it, he has wire for brains.

Shepherd: *floaty messianic vision* My god, it's full of bul- *faints*

Saren: Someone else used the beacon? That was supposed to be my plot device, damn it! *trashes bedroom in violent but pubescent anger*

Matriach: I'm sensing hostility. *flashes boobs*

Saren: Mommy!

**Meanwhile, the crew of the Normandy enjoy a well-earned reprieve until...**

Shepherd: Oh no... I'm in the med bay.

Kaiden: Is the commander going to be okay?

Dr. Chakwas: Damn it Kaiden, I'm a doctor! How would you expect me to know?

Shepherd: I'm totally fine, guys. It was only a plot device.

Kaiden: Oh I was so worried, Commander! *head jiggle*

Shepherd: Go bend a spoon.

Ashley & Shepherd *headbutt*

Captain Anderson: You totally fucked up, Shepherd. Hand over your badge, you're off the force.

Shepherd: Nu-uh, chief. The no-nosed alien did it! I have a reliable eyewitness, who is a career criminal and only slightly concussed after being beaten and robbed of his money by a space marine.

Anderson: Great Scott, Shepherd! Let's drop everything right now! Warp factor nine and star burst through the wormhole to Babylon 5!

Joker: You mean use the technobable engine to slingshot us through the high tech Maguffin artifact to takes us to the Overly Cliche Titled Space Station?

Shepherd: Damn it, men! Do you want us to get sued?


	2. Citadel Station

**Shepherd arrives at Citadel Station, by which we mean the one in Mass Effect, not the one overrun by cyborgs in the original System Shock or the one orbiting Telos IV in Star Wars.**

Human Ambassador: Hi, I am extremely important and angry. Here in the future humanity has over come all its prejudices because the aliens are bigoted and mean. I am in no way a negative Indian stereotype because this is THE FUTURE.

Ashley: I'm glad you cleared that up. Care for space sex, Ambassador?

Ambassador: Never while I'm working.

Shepherd: Ambassador. *offers Ferrero Rocher piled into a pyramid*

Human Ambassador: Shepherd, you're going to call Shenanigans on Saren before the Alpha Council. Maybe that way I can avoid having to wear a bra and clean their toilets with a toothbrush.

Shepherd: Well, if it means I get a Mary-Sue license, sure.

*

Shepherd: Aliens sure are very diverse in this game.

Ashley: Pooey!

Elkor Ambassador: Pleasure it will be to knowing you, April Ryan.

Volus Ambassador: I smoulder with the impotent rage of a weak bureaucrat. Also, I am short.

Random Hanar: This one is a giant pink psychic jellyfish, care for Space Sex?

Shepherd: Uh no, I make a rule of not having sex with species that don't know their own basic biology. You are clearly a giant pink psychic siphonophorae, not a jellyfish, duh.

Random Hanar: This individual apologises for its badly written research.

Shepherd: Further more, if indeed you are a siphonophorae, as you appear to be, it is impossible for you to be an individual, you would have to be a colony of many organisms. You are clearly fraudulent and must pay the penalty. *beats it to death*

Ashley: That was the nerdiest hate crime I've ever seen and I've seen a lot.

Shepherd: I try. *makes suishi*

*

Shepherd: Hmm a central hub. I hope I don't wind up being everyone's messenger girl, I have a mission!

Nervous Salarian: Um, hi would you run around scanning the Keepers for me, please?

Shepherd: *shotgun blast to the head* Not even if you were voiced by Gideon Emery, bitch.

Chellick: *sigh*

*

Shepherd: Oh a strip club! Apparently strippers keep their underwear on in the future! We are totally not sexually repressed!

Ashley: This is so so sad, men are pathetic.

Shepherd: Does that mean you're going to stop wearing armour that emphasises your breasts?

Ashley: Only if someone else chooses what I wear for me.

Kaiden: Oh semi-naked dancing ladies... is that a strobe light? Umm I- I think I'd better go lie down.

Ashley: He'll be in his bunk.

*

Asari Consort: I am mysterious and sexy, aren't you intrigued?

Shepherd: Are Asari all female or are you hermaphrodites?

Consort: Yes.

Shepherd: Umm... okay.

Consort: Don't you want to share in my secrets? By which I mean Space Sex.

Shepherd: Lady, I knew Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan and you are no Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan. Your offer is rejected.

*

Alpha Council: Approach the bench, alpha pledge.

Shepherd: I call Shenanigans on Saren.

Saren: Whatever. I'm totally straight edge, for realz.

Alpha Council: Pfft, silly human, come back with evidence or we will haze you, and your little ambassador too.

*

Shepherd: I guess I will just talk to aliens at random until I find important information...

Wrex: I am big and red and like killing things for money. I am not a representation of communism, not unless you're trying far too hard to make Bioware writers look intelligent.

Shepherd: I like killing things too. Care for Space Sex, Toad boy?

Wrex: I am tempted as I am completely infertile, but I'd rather stand around not saying very much.

Shepherd: Yeah, there seems to be a lot of that going around. Fancy killing Saren with me?

Wrex: Sure, beats standing around. *catches a fly with his tongue*

*

Garrus: *shoots generic evildoer in the head* Go about your day, law abiding citizens.

Shepherd: Stop upstaging me! I do the cold-blooded head shots in this franchise.

Garrus: Could I interest you in a corset piercing?

Shepherd: No!

Garrus: I am looking for a mysterious woman with no face.

Shepherd: Aren't we all? You turians sure are a kinky bunch.

Garrus: I want to take down Saren.

Shepherd: Something tells me he'd quite like that. You might as well tag along. You can bunk with Ashley, I'm sure she won't mind.

*

Tali: I am mysterious and don't have a face. You have saved me from certain game over screen, I must repay you.

Garrus: Care for Space Sex, mysterious woman with no face?

Tali: I am tempted but my erogenous zones may be made of titanium. It's not really clear.

Shepherd: I could use another artificial woman aboard my ship.

Ashley: Hey!

Tali: I have vital information that could prove that Saren's pants are on fire with the fiery fire of lies.

Shepherd: Welcome to my crew, Dot. Here is a military issue oil can.

*

Alpha Council: Approach the bench, Alpha Pledge.

Shepherd: Yeah, yeah, I know. Penance.*does the chicken dance*

Tali: Saren pants burneth mightily. I have a tape recorder built in to my elbow and recorded him saying horrible things about your moms.

Alpha Council: OMGWTFBBQ! How did we not see this coming?

Shepherd: Send a Sue to catch a Sue!

Alpha Council: Commander Shepherd, we grant you Mary-Sue status. Could you go kill that pesky Saren guy and his surrogate mummy, please?

Ambassador: May my human god have mercy on you weird freaks.

Shepherd: Shut it, bitch. I'm the fucking pope now. MWUHAHAAH!

Kaiden: *offers Ferrero Rocher piled into a pyramid*

Captain Anderson: Take the Normandy, Commander: You are humanity's last and best hope...

Ambassador: We are so screwed. *eats chocolate*

Shepherd: Alright! Keys to the car at last! Listen up crew, from now on we do things my way. I'm a baddass space marine giving a patriotic speech here!

Bioware: *Gives evil points*

Shepherd: The hell you do!

Joker: Where to, Commander? We could defend the colonies from Geth attacks, investigate them, or try to seduce the Matriarch's daughter.

Shepherd: How about we go on a joy ride to random planets that all look the same for a medley of really boring side-quests?

Joker: Sounds good to me.

Shepherd: Make it so.


	3. Sidequests and Therum

**Previously on Mass Effect, Shepherd killed some aliens for being badly researched and again didn't get laid. Now she's off gallivanting all over the tri-galaxy area on seemingly pointless errands.**

*

Shepherd: Grand Theft Auto in SPAAAAAAAAACE!

Ashley: Who the hell taught you how to drive?

Tali: Commander, are you aware that this vehicle has a canon attached? Vehicular alien slaughter is not necessary.

Ashley: Oh please, it's always necessary.

Tali: I may only have two fingers on each hand, but that doesn't mean I'm not making this gesture on purpose, bitch.

Shepherd: Was it necessary for every planet we visit to be a reskin of some barren mountains with weather effects? And how come everything has the same gravity? Why do we have to get out to hack open a door, let me shoot a hole in the wall damn it! Why are we even using a dune buggy? The damn thing has jets, why not make it a Winnebago with wings?

Ashley: I'm my own best friend.

Tali: I wonder why.

*

Geth Hopper: *leap*

Kaiden: Augh! Getitoffgetifoffgetitoff!

Shepherd: Oh look, you made a friend! There'll be no friends making on my watch, soldier. *shoots hopper*

Kaiden: Does anyone know how to get Geth innards' goo out of my hair?

Ashley: Keeping your helmet on keeps it out really well.

Kaiden: I am so going to force trip you in the shower after this mission, bitch.

*

Kaiden: Jesus Christ, it's a thresher maw, get in the fucking car!

Shepherd: No, I'm going to take it out on foot! I am reckless and impulsive!

Thresher Maw *OMN NOM NOM*

Shepherd: Bondari, RELOAD! Oh to hell with this shit, let's go rescue the princess.

*

**After a brief but violent arguement with the navigator, the pilot, and the ship's computer about whether to take a left turn at the Crab Nebula, Commander Shepherd touches down on the planet Therum.**

Shepherd: Oh a volcanic plateau... bet that plays an important role, I mean why else would there be some actual level design here?

Wrex: Toasty varm. *snuggles the rest of the crew*

Tali: It would be a good idea not to drive into any steaming pools of lava, Commander.

Shepherd: What do you think I am, stupid?

Bioware: GAME OVER, BITCH!

Shepherd: What the hell? I was no where near that lava! HAX!

Liara T'Soni: Help, help! I'm trapped inside an ancient plot device and my multiple archaeology degrees aren't helping at all!

Shepherd: This ancient alien forcefield was obviously made by Microsoft. *presses the power off switch*

Forcefield: *fanfare*

Liara: Oh thank my generic goddess, I didn't think the Protheans would be using windows 98. I thought they were supposed to be smart.

Shepherd: Guess we know why they died out. By the way, I'm still confused about what gender you Asari are.

Liara: That's okay, so are the writers.

Shepherd: You mom is working with the Si- uh... Geth. What do you think about that?

Liara: Umm... you sure have purty eyes.

Tali: The love interest readings just spiked, Commander.

Shepherd: I just don't do blue mystical alien space babes any more, okay! It was just a phase, like painting my room pink and listening to the Spice Girls.

Liara: Would you take me with you? The Geth want to drag me off for some B-movie fun.

Shepherd: Okay, fine, just leave me out of your sexcapades.

Liara: All that shooting and explosions started an earthquake!

Shepherd: What shooting and explosions? We just got here, lady.

Liara: Oh, my mistake. No rush then... care for tea and cake before we leave?

**On the Normandy, it is karaoke night and Shepherd, rather than hear Joker butchering his way through "My Way" yet again, is forced to make small talk with her crew.**

Kaiden: So this one time at Brain Camp...

Shepherd: ... *facepalm*

Kaiden: Did I mention I love sappy romance books and riding ponies? *head jiggle*

Shepherd: No, you did not.

Kaiden: I'm just a sweet sensitive soul really.

Shepherd: You really need to get out more, Lieutenant.

Kaiden: I did have a true love once you know, but I never put my whoo-whoo dilly in her cha-cha.

Shepherd: That explains a lot about you, flopsy.

Kaiden: Also, I can kill you with my brain, Ma'am.

Shepherd: I would love to see you try, dismissed.

Kaiden: (To Himself) D- did I just try to flirt with my superior officer? And accidentally deliver a death threat? Oh god, my head! *clutches temples*

*

Ashley: Aliens smell!

Shepherd: Yes, I believe you've made that point several times over now.

Ashley: So why did you let that turrian bunk with me? He keeps looking at me funny.

Shepherd: Oh I have a feeling it's going to pay off later.

Ashley and Shepherd: *headbutt*

*

Wrex: I've been sent on a quest to find my great grandfather's lost underpants.

Shepherd: Did you look in the drier?

Wrex: Oh, there they are! I owe you a great debt, Shepherd.

Bioware: *Laundromat Achievement*

Shepherd: *holds nose* There must be better ways to level up.

*

Liara: Oh Commander, were you worried about me?

Shepherd: Hell no, I just came to replenish my kol- uh, I mean, medi gel.

Liara: Your human ways of expression are just so fascinating to me, commander.

Shepherd: I am not going to have your lesbian love child, Violet.

Liara: *pout*

*

Joker: AND MORE, MUCH MORE THAN THIS! I DID IT.... MYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAY!

Shepherd: Okay, that's it! Screw you guys, I'm going to bed!


	4. Noveria

**Previously, Shepherd rescued a blue teenager and listened to people talk about their feelings. Once again, she did not get laid.**

Kaiden: Good morning, Shepherd. Is this a good time to talk about my feelings some more?

Shepherd: BRING ME SOME GODDAMN COFFEE! THAT'S AN ORDER!

Kaiden: Maybe I should come back later.

Shepherd: *chugs*

Kaiden: So um.... what do you think of Dr. Tsoni, Shepherd... er, Commander, Ma'am?

Shepherd: She's blue.

Kaiden: There's umm talk that you two umm might be umm... in...umm... volved. Umm.

Shepherd: Hah! I'd rather snog Wrex *mumbles* and have.

Kaiden: Oh that's a relief, for the crew, I mean and you know... humanity and things.

Shepherd: Was there a point to any of this?

Kaiden: Um, oh yeah, one time at Brain Camp I had a really mean teacher. Don't like... be like him.

Shepherd: *raises eyebrow* You sure migraines are the only side effect to your condition, flopsy?

*

Ashley: I'm reading my email!

Shepherd: Did you win the Salarian lottery again, Ash?

Ashley's email: *tee hee* Kaiden has a great butt, hee!

Shepherd: *facepalm* This isn't a warship, it's a kindergarten!

Ashley: I hear he's interested in someone else, anyway.

Shepherd: *phew* Guess we all dodged a bullet there. I pity the poor woman, man and/or alien he's infatuated with.

Ashley: Bless you, Commander.

*

Liara: Commander, may I ask you something?

Shepherd: Oh go on then, everyone else wants a piece of me this morning.

Liara: Are you umm in umm volved with ummm... Lieutenant Kaiden?

Shepherd: Okay, that's it! I'm going to go shoot something! Anyone not actively trying to get in my space pants can come along. The rest of you are confined to your quarters!

*

Shepherd: We're whalers on the moon!

Ashley: Wow, the moon sucks!

Shepherd: At least this time the boring grey and monotonous landscape is accurate. And at least the only thing trying to get in my underwear is moon dust.

Tali: We are supposed to been disabling an evil computer or something.

Shepherd: Lemme guess, we are going to have to destroy all the processors that make up its artificial mind? Sounds familiar for some reason.

Tali: I'd be panting and sweating as I run through these grey corridors, but I think I may lack the necessary glands.

VI: How can you challenge an immortal machine, Daisy?! Would you like to hear me read a poem? Press 1 for the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, press 2 for Hyperion, press 3 for the Charge of the Light Brigade.

Shepherd: I probably should have brought Kaiden on this mission. He'd know how to relate to a killing machine with literary pretensions, I just want to shoot it.

Tali: One moment, Commander.*clears throat*

0111010101010001110101  
0101101110101101010101  
1011011110000001010101  
1000101010101110101010  
1110101010110101010101  
0110101010101111101010  
1010101011010110110110  
1101101010111010111000

VI: That is the worst poem I've ever heard! *kills self*

Bioware:*Death By Poetry Achievement*

*

Garrus: Commander, isn't there something we were supposed to be doing?

Shepherd: Oh yeah, save the galaxy. Thanks for reminding me. Joker, plot a course to Noveria.

Joker: Some people juggle geese!

Shepherd: Not on my ship they don't.

*

**Noveria is a cold planet inhabited by frigid bitches and corrupt capitalists.**

Shepherd: Sounds like my kind of place!

Liara: Brrrrrr!

Garrus: Brrrrrr!

Bitchy security lady: Surrender your weapons.

Shepherd: Nu-uh!

Bitchy security lady: Yah-ha!

Shepherd: Nu-uh!

Bitchy security lady: Yah-ha!

Shepherd: ...Yah-ha!

Bitchy security lady: Nu-uh!

Shepherd: Aaah, gotcha!

Bitchy security lady: Damn it, I always fall for that one.

*

Ms. Pink: You'll need a pass to get out of the port and find Liara's mom. I hear Mr. Orange has one.

Mr. Orange: I'm too irritated to give you a pass.

Ms. Pink: Why don't you talk to Mr. Blue?

Mr. Blue: I'll give you a pass if you can prove Mr. Orange is a bad guy.

Shepherd: Is anyone else a little confused? *shoots generic thugs*

Garrus: I thought it was just me.

Bitchy security lady: I totally saw that!

Shepherd: Oh shut up! *shoots her in the head*

*

Ms. Pink: I'm a cop! Give me the evidence!

Shepherd: She's a cop!

Mr. Orange: OMG you're a cop! *shoots everyone including self*

Shepherd: Awesome! *wipes multi-coloured bloodstains off pass* Now we get to drive through a icy tundra of death! That's my second favourite kind of tundra!

Liara: Try not to drive off the cliff edge, Commander.

Shepherd: Ahahaha! That's... actually pretty smart advice, considering my track record.

Garrus: Something is wrong with this illegal and dubious research facility.

Liara: Oh giant fleas everywhere, that can't be right!

Shepherd: Thank goodness I brought extra bug spray!

Scientists: Oh why were so stupid? Why did we try to play god? Oh how could we ever have foreseen this?

Shepherd: Do we not watch any movies in the future?

*

Matriarch Benezia: I'm sensing hostility.

Shepherd: That's because I'm here to fucking kill you.

Liara: Mommy!

Benezia: I'm sensing hostility.

Shepherd: They really didn't give you many lines, huh? By the way, I love the outfit: It's very Bondage Queen of Angmar.

Benezia: I'm sensing hostility.

Shepherd: You should have thought more about some protective qualities though. I mean, letting your Matriarchal blue boobies hang out? PUH-lease, I'm an Infiltrator and I specialized in the sniper rifle. *pulls trigger*

Benezia: I'm sensing... oh!

Liara: Mommy!

Benezia: Oh the pain! Oh the anguish! Oh, oh!

Shepherd: Oh stop milking it!

Benezia: But this is my only dramatic scene! Oh my heart! Oh my paws and whiskers! What have I done! What have I DONE! Oh noes!

Shepherd: *shoots Benezia again* Scene stealing hack!

Benezia: I need a better agent. Oh btw, Saren was looking for a specific relay lost in the inky black vastness of space! Oh my folly, oh! *dies*

Liara: Mommy!

Rachni Queen: *uses dead person as a puppet* Umm, hi.

Shepherd: Oh you're a sentient giant flea, then. That's a neat puppeteer treat, also.

Rachni: So you wanna let me go? Or are you going to dip me in acid?

Shepherd: What do you want me to do?

Rachni: I'd like to be let go.

Shepherd: Then why did you put the acid bath idea in my head?

Rachni: Umm... damn it!

Shepherd: You ever wonder why you guys died out in the first place?

Rachni: Doh!

Liara: I think we should let her go and then hug while surrounded by ponies and flowers and ponies.

Garrus: No, that's boring, sludge it!

Shepherd: Yeah, I think that's smart! We already exterminated your kids, afterall.

Rachni: Double doh! *melts*

Shepherd: Well, I guess it's time to go back to the Normandy where everyone will want to talk to me about their feelings. I'd almost rather stay here with the bugs. *sigh*


	5. Virmire

**Previously, Commander Shepherd shot a Bondage Queen in the tit. Shockingly, she still didn't get laid.**

Alpha Council: Well done on helping Liara commit matricide.

Shepherd: Thank you, it was a pleasure.

Council: By the way, we got a burst of incomprehensible static from a planet. We want you to check it out.

Shepherd: Guys, tell me the truth, am I the only Spectre in the galaxy?

Council: We spent all the covet ops budget on sexy asari underwear.

*

Kaiden: So this one time in Brain Camp...

Shepherd: *facepalm*

Kaiden: I totally psychic kung-fued my teacher in the face.

Shepherd: Oh?

Kaiden: And killed him.

Shepherd: _Really?_

Kaiden: Yeah, did I mention he was a big mean alien?

Shepherd: Wow, you mean we actually have something in common? I like killing aliens and kicking people in the head too. Only I use my actual feet to do it.

Kaiden: *head jiggle*

Shepherd: Don't push your luck, Lieutenant.

*

Ashley: I don't want you bunking with me anymore, smelly alien!

Garrus: Is this aggression some kind of human mating ritual?

Ashley: OMG WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

Garrus: Does this mean you want me to unlace my corset and spank you now?

Ashley... Actually that does sounds strangely appealing.

Garrus: Yee-haw!

Shepherd: *eavesdropping* Hah, I knew it! Inside every xenophobe is a xenophile waiting to come out.

*

The Normandy goes to Virmire, in search of static-speaking aliens.

Shepherd: Oh, this whole planet appears to be ankle deep in water.

Wrex: Try not to drive in to the ocean, Shepherd.

Shepherd: That joke is really getting old.

Salarian: Oh are you here to rescue us?

Shepherd: No, we are here to make you undertake a suicide mission while we steal all the glory.

Salarian: Oh good, btw Saren's base is here and he's found a way to breed Krogans.

Wrex: OMGWTFBBQ!

Shepherd: We need to introduce them to the pill.

Wrex: *throws bitchfit*

Shepherd: Aww Wrexie baby, aren't we BFF? We even did laundry together, man.

Wrex: Yep, and there was that one drunken time we...

Shepherd: Yeah, that was...

Wrex: *snuggles*

*

Salarian: So, who's up for a suicide mission? I need one of your crew, Shepherd. That way you'll have something to care about when we all get slaughtered.

Kaiden: I volunteer for a suicide mission!

Shepherd: No, I need you need to watch- uh guard my rear

Ashley: I'll do it! I mean, every mission with Shepherd is a suicide mission, really.

Shepherd: Whatever. *headbutt*

Joker: We set you up the bomb.

Shepherd: Nukes look like ladybirds in the future!

Kaiden: Okay I'm going to stay here and prep the bomb.

Ashley: *over coms link* Uh-oh, this suicide mission has turned out badly.

Shepherd: Oh fine, I'll try to save your overly round behind!

Kaiden: Uh-oh, a Geth warship just fell on me!

Shepherd: Damn it!

Ashley: Save Kaiden!

Kaiden: Save Ashley!

Garrus: Save my bunk-buddy!

Wrex: Save my babies!

Shepherd: *flips a coin* Okay, we're saving Kaiden.

Saren: I have a hover board, I'm such an Eighties villain.

Shepherd: Oh yeah, well I discovered that you are a pawn for a sentient spaceship that looks like a flea, loser.

Saren: Yeah, but at least I'm baddass about it. Check out my extreme cheek piercings!

**Saren and Shepherd have a spectacular fight scene which could never be adequately described on the page.**

Shepherd: Convenient.

**Shut it. Anyway, just as something violent is about to happen, the nuke's egg timer goes off and everyone freaks the hell out and scrambles away to their ships.**

Kaiden: Oh noes, Ashley is dead.

Wrex: So's everyone else that wasn't part of our squad. Suicide mission, Kaiden: Got it memorised?

Garrus: I was looking forward to another "therapy session" with her, oh well.

Shepherd: You win some, lose some, it's just a game to me.

Kaiden: But why'd you pick me over her, Commander?

Shepherd: Well... it was... destiny. The visions in my head told me to.

Wrex: Nice save, Harvey.

Alpha Council: So like, what happened? Did you find any static?

Shepherd: Soylent Green is people!

Council: Huh?

Shepherd: I mean, Rosebud was his sled!

Council: Is this one of those human humour things?

Shepherd: The real evil is Saren' s spaceship, it's a Raider... Reaver... uh Raver... something.

Council: Psssh, come back with evidence. *disconnect*

Shepherd: I am getting real tired of that.


	6. Ferros and Ilos

**Previously, on Mass Effect Shepherd lost a crew member and didn't even get a sympathy shag. Now she journeys to Ferros to hopefully finally find some concrete proof of a galactic threat.**

Shepherd: This place looks like I already bombed it.

Colonist: I love living here.

Kaiden: But the geth just killed your wife!

Colonist: I know, but I still love it here. Peace, man.

Shepherd: How do you support yourselves?

Colonist: Hydroponic gardens.

Shepherd:I suspect there's something in them more sinister than mulch.

Colonist: Braaaains!

Shepherd: I get the feeling I'm going to regret not shooting these people on sight.

Ian Newstead: Ahahahaa, would you care for tea , Alice?

Shepherd: Look, I don't need to some supposed-to-be-cryptic-while-actually-completely-stating-the-obvious bit character to tell me that something dodgy is going on here. *shoots him*

Kaiden: It seems like we've cleared the main area of Geth. I suppose we know what happens now.

Shepherd: I don't want to hear any jokes about me driving off the skyway.

Ethan Jeong: We need to nuke the colony from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Julianna Baynham: NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!

Lizbeth Baynham: Oh the folly! We knew not what we had wrought when we wrought it!

Shepherd: Lemme guess, everyone has been infected by the spores of a psychic plant? And the stupid evil corporation that runs this world decided to use the colonists as test subjects because they thought they could market the spores as a weapon?

Lizbeth Baynham: Umm... that's pretty much it.

Kaiden: Commander, how did you know?

Shepherd: Unlike you guys, I've actually watched movies. Day of the Triffids owns, man.

Lizbeth: So will you try to save the colonists from the infection?

Shepherd: Hell no, I'm going to shoot everything I see!

Wrex: I'm glad I'm part of this crew.

Thorian: *gives birth to a green bitch* Re-lease-me.

Shepherd: Don't you think it's a little weird that we can show a plant giving birth through its Lovecraftian nightmarish mouth vagina, but the strippers keep their underwear on?

Kaiden: *blushes*

Shepherd: Oh I forgot that you've a _sensitive_ military officer. Let's just get on with the violent massacre then.

Thorian: I'm a big green mother from outer space and I'm bad!

Shepherd: *uses salt grenades*

Thorian: *shrivels and dies*

Kaiden: Why didn't you just shoot off the supporting branches?

Shepherd: It's a plant, you think it just holds on to things? I have two words for you: ROOT SYSTEM.

Asari: You have saved me from being cloned into infinite J-Pop idols! I will give you a mystical vision to help you on your quest *waves hands around*

Shepherd: Thanks! *shoots her in the head* Now, I think we've killed nearly everything on this planet, so let's go home and whine at the council.

*

Alpha Council: We have decided to ignore everything you've told us. Again.

Shepherd: God-damn it!

Human Abassador: I have decided to not support your cause because I am an angry stereotype.

Shepherd: God-damn it!

Abassador: Also, I am taking away the keys to your car.

Shepherd: GOD-DAMN IT!

Council: You are grounded, young lady.

Shepherd: I'm going to kill all you fucks.

*

Shepherd: *mopes*

Kaiden: Shepherd, is this a good time to talk about my feelings?

Shepherd: *glare*

Kaiden: Umm... okay. Would you like to talk about yours instead?

Shepherd: I'm currently going for quiet rage and desperation.

Kaiden: Exactly how desperate are you right now? *head jiggle*

Shepherd: Not that desperate, Lieutenant. *trips into Kaiden due to plot-induced clumsiness or because the military elite have weak ankles, whatever*

Kaiden: You... sure have a purty mouth... Shepherd. *suicidally leans in for smoochies*

Joker: HEY LISTEN! OMG GUYS, OMG!

Shepherd: Great timing, Joker. I'm giving you a raise.

Kaiden: Damn it! Cockblocked by a comic relief character! I'm gonna use Warp on his pelvis.

*

Joker: Captain Anderson wants to talk to you; I think he's going to do something suicidally stupid so we can save the day!

Anderson: Okay, I'm going to hack the security systems so you can steal the Normandy.

Shepherd: Yay!

Joker: *recreates a scene from Jaynetown only without the chinese swearing because linguistics are hard*

Shepherd: *turns into a space hooker, at least for the next scene*

*

Kaiden: So, um... Commander?

Shepherd: What are you doing in my quarters in the middle of the night?

Kaiden: Uh, I wanted to say that I don't want you to die.

Shepherd: Why's that?

Kaiden: I've really enjoyed serving under you. *head jiggle*

Shepherd: That is a really bad come-on line. Why are you so persistent anyway? I've been nothing but obnoxious to you.

Kaiden: It's very cold in space, Ma'am... and Ashley's dead... and aliens aint mah thang.

Shepherd: Is it twue what they say about how you biotics are... gifted?

Kaiden: *blushes* Yes.

Shepherd: Would you... show me?

Kaiden: Of course, Commander. *strips*

Shepherd: Oh it's twue! It's twue, it's _twue_!

Kaiden: I worked very hard to achieve it.

Shepherd: That was the best Ass Effect I've ever had.

Kaiden: Would you care for Space sex now?

Shepherd: Well Wrex has a headache, so why not? *smooch*

Kaiden: Look Commander,I have nipples!

Shepherd: I don't!

Kaiden: Nice thighs and side-boob though. *rolls on top*

Shepherd: I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world!

Kaiden: It's fantastic!

Shepherd: Yes, but was it really worth an adult rating? *smokes cigar*

*

**Shepherd arrives on Ilos, your standard overgrown ancient ruin full of killer robots. The shore party shoot at everything and eventually find an ancient VI interface.**

VI: *fanfare*

Shepherd: Must be Protheian, it's windows 98 again.

VI: You! Have! Mail! Sender - : Subject- Citadel. Message - : H1 guz3 1 h4v3 us3d t3h c0ndu1t t0 g0 t0 t3h c1t4d3l! U l0z3 L0L!

Kaiden: I can't understand this!

Shepherd: That big glowy thing is the missing conduit, it's a back-door into the citadel.

Kaiden: It's a TRAP!

Shepherd: The Sovereign's going to kill everything in the station, damn it! I'm not going to let that happen. If anyone's going to kill everything, it'll be me!

VI: It's dangerous to go alone, take this!

Shepherd: A maguffin to save the day, oh goodie!

Kaiden: Pedal to the metal, Commander! *drives into the conduit*


	7. Ending

**Previously Shepherd realises that the fate of the whole galaxy is resting on her shoulders, oh and she got laid, too.**

Mako: *burns*

Shepherd: Notice how this happened the ONE TIME I let you drive?

Kaiden: Sorry, Ma'am.

Shepherd: So maybe you should stop cracking jokes about my driving skills?

Wrex: Time's a-wasting, let's get our kill on!

Shepherd: The elevator's borked. Must be this shoddy twenty-second century electrical wiring!

Wrex: *shoots the wall*

Shepherd: Good thinking! Go, go gadget boots!

*

Saren: Grrr, I smoulder with rage! *shoots keepers for no good reason*

Sovreign: *flies around looking malignant*

Saren: Close the bay doors. Computer, close the bay doors.

Shepherd: *shoots geth and krogan all over the place*

Korgan: Wrex, my brutha!

Wrex: *headshot*

Kaiden: Look out Shepherd, the geth have a drop ship!

Shepherd: *shoots at it*

Kaiden: We could use the defence turrets to-

Geth ship: *Explodes*

Shepherd: What were you saying, L.T?

Kaiden: Never mind.

Shepherd: Quick, to the cherry orchard!

*

Saren: Nothing can stop me, mwuhahaha!

Shepherd: Yeah, too bad you are just a puppet for a flea ship.

Saren: I'm perfected by metal! See how I shine! *ting*

Shepherd: And it hurts like hell when you try to resist the will of the machine! You are a weak meat puppet thing dancing for the sovereign's amusement!

Saren: Are not!

Shepherd: Are so! Times infinity!

Saren: D'argh, curse you and your wily human logic! *shoots self in the head*

Shepherd: *watching Saren fall dramatically through the glass floor* Who wants to estimate the odds on him getting up again in less than five minutes?

Wrex: About one to one, Commander.

Shepherd: I need a computer! Oh, there's one. *uses Protheian maguffin* Hey, guys I have  
control of the citadel!

Joker: Oh those alien fraternity council guys are in big trouble, should we help them?

Shepherd: After the way they hazed us? Hell no, screw them! Go blow up the bad guy!

Joker: Wow this is a stunningly well-rendered space battle. Too bad you can't see it, Commander.

Shepherd: Yeah, too bad. Let's go poke Saren's corpse with a stick.

Saren: Rawr! I have LEDs! Bite my shiny metal butt!

Sovereign: *explodes to bits*

Saren: *gets shot to bits*

Shepherd: Oh shit! The Sovereign fell on my head!

Kaiden: Thank god I won't die a virgin!

Wrex: This is all a bit anti-climatic. *naps*

Shepherd: It's only a flesh wound! *limps*

Kaiden: I didn't say anything. You must have all imagined it. Yes, that's it!

*

Ambassador: Oh looks like the council is dead! Let's seize power for humanity!

Shepherd: Yay!

Ambassador: We need to decide on an absolute ruler! Shepherd, who do you support?

Shepherd: Can I be Queen?

Ambassador: No!

Shepherd: Then I don't give a damn! *walks off*

*

Kaiden: So, looks like we all survived then. Apart from Ashley, of course.

Shepherd: Yeah, unlikely outcome considering my judgement.

Kaiden: Care for Space Sex, Commander?

Shepherd: That depends, Alenko .*slips an arm around his waist* What's your policy on krogan in the bedroom?

Wrex: *head jiggle*

Kaiden: *takes painkillers*

**Roll credits.**

Emmanuelle Shepherd gained the following (in game as opposed to ones she made up for funnies) achievements:

MEDAL OF HONOUR: COMMITTED GENOCIDE ON AT LEAST THREE PLANETS, GRANTS 5% DISCOUNT AT MACDONALD'S.

COMPLETIONIST: DROVE AROUND ON THE MOON ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE SEA OF TRANQUILLITY, GRANTS THE ABILITY TO SINK INTO A TRANCE LIKE STATE AT THE WHEEL.

TACTICIAN: USED CIVILIANS AS HUMAN SHIELDS RATHER THAN GET WOUNDED, MAKES POLITICIANS LIKE YOU BETTER.

DISTINGUISHED SERVICE MEDAL: RAN AROUND A BIT ON EDEN PRIME.

MEDAL OF HEROISM: RAN AROUND A BIT ON FEROS.

COUNCIL LEGION OF MERIT: RAN AROUND A BIT ON NOVERIA.

PARAMOUR, AKA "SPACE SLUT": SHAG SOMETHING VAGUELY HUMANOID, MAKES IT HARDER TO AVOID S.T.D. INFECTION, BUT GRANTS A BONUS TO CHARISMA.

MARY-SUE LICENSE: GRANTS ABILITY TO BE AWESOME JUST BY SITTING QUIETLY IN A ROOM. JUST BETTER THAN YOU PLEBES, THAT'S ALL.

SEARCH AND RESCUE: GRANTED FOR BEING ABLE TO SHUT DOWN WINDOWS '98. WOOP-DE-DOO.

CHARISMATIC: GRANTED FOR GETTING WREX TO SNUGGLE IN TIMES OF PERSONAL CRISIS. AAW.

RENEGADE: GRANTED FOR ACTING PRAGMATIC IF A LITTLE TRIGGER HAPPY, WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?

DOG OF WAR: GRANTED FOR KILLING ALL THOSE ORGANIC MEATBAG SCUM.

GETH HUNTER: GRANTED FOR DISMANTLING ALL THOSE METALLIC SOCKET-SUCKERS.

SCHOLAR: YES, SHEPHERD CAN PRESS THE E BUTTON, YAY!

MEDAL OF EXPLORATION: GRANTED FOR BEING ABLE TO PERFORM LEFT-CLICKING. WELL DONE, SOLDIER.

RICH: CAPITALISM IS ITS OWN REWARD, ALSO I HAVE A BETTER SNIPER RIFLE NOW.

PISTOL EXPERT: EXECUTIONS COUNT, RIGHT?

SNIPER EXPERT: YOU DON'T HAVE TO HEAR THEM SCREAM THIS WAY.

AI HACKING SPECIALIST: NO I WILL NOT JUST POUR "OMNIGOO" ON IT, ASHLEY.

SABOTAGE SPECIALIST: OH IS THAT WHAT THAT BUTTON DID?

**The End.**


End file.
